Dealing with Mis-matched sex drives?

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Question by james: Dealing with Mis-matched sex drives?
My fiancĂ© and I are going through a hard time. Since the birth of our son 3 years ago her sex drive has fallen off to nothing. Me being a 23 year old male, mine is more then ok. It is causing arguments and pushing us away from each other. We separated for over a year and maintained a good relationship( with no sex, or anything physical more then a hug) upon getting back together we made love a few times and it was magnificent. Lately it doesn’t exist. It’s happens 6 times in the past 3 months. I have tried to explain my desire and its what I need emotionally to feel wanted, needed, appreciated and loved but she does not seem to care. She says being with me should be proof enough that she loves me. I try taking care of myself before going to bed to lessen my desire but one look at my beautiful baby and I’m ready and wanting it again. I don’t want to cheat, never ever would but this is hurting us. Is there something I can do to try and lower my drive to try and match hers or raise bees to mine. Please help, I don’t want to lose my family!
** I do romance her, often! She gets flowers all the time, no occasion, just because. Just little things here and there, jewelry and anything I can do to put a smile on her face. I know thats all material and doesn’t matter and she is the least materialistic person I know but I still love doing things for her. I take care of our son all the time. I do all the cooking when I’m home. Take care of all the bills. Make sure car is full of gas the night before she has to work. Bring her coffee in bed, rub her back, feet, and everything. We kiss hug hold hands cuddle all the time. I’m strong for her. I am supportive. I encourage her comfort her. I try my hardest to make sure she has no needs that go unattended. Being a fireman I am in decent shape and take care of myself. It keeps me from being home for 24-48 hrs at a time all making the nights I’m home more special.. I show leadership and am a man for her. I do all this for her with no intension of getting rewarded with sex.

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9 Responses to Dealing with Mis-matched sex drives?

  1. How do you look? Do you take care of your body/ maintain good hygiene? If you don’t take care of yourself, how can you expect her to want you.

    Try doing something romantic to get her in the mood.

    If this all fails, explain to her that your needs are not being met. If she doesn’t change, it’s time to move onto someone who you are more compatible with.

    March 15, 2014 at 11:33 pm

  2. This is very easily fixed. I have fixed this for couples many times. She has lost attraction to you.But it is fixable. she is not seeing you as a man and sexually attractive.You are doing a few things that you don’t mean to that are turning her off. But very easily fixed. You are frustrating her. Just show her you are a man and a leader and she will become so attracted to you again.To a woman leadership= sexual attraction.

    EDIT:This only works if she was attracted to you before. If she never had an attraction to you and your sex life has never been good it probably won’t work.If your sex life was good before it will work.

    The Machine gun woman
    March 15, 2014 at 11:37 pm

  3. 1. Don’t marry this woman now. She’s not ready.
    2. The key to your whole problem is what you said, “since the birth of our son…”. She needs to get some help, perhaps some therapy. A good physical is in order.
    3. Do not let tell you that being with her is enough! It’s clearly not. It’s enough in a normal relationship, which you two do not have.
    4. She needs to take some major ownership of this problem. This is primarily her problem.
    5. If she won’t take the lead and deal with this, do no marry this woman. What’s left of your relationship won’t be enough for a long term marriage of you both being happy. Something’s going on. She might be afraid of getting pregnant again, she may have a low libido, whatever it is, there are workarounds for this, but SHE has to deal with this.

    Best Wishes

    March 15, 2014 at 11:51 pm

  4. Hang in there my friend, be strong and patient.

    Without knowing her details except for your dilemma, I would say that perhaps there is a psychological problem that exists. Since mentioning it dropping off a little at a time, I say it wasn’t something that occurred at once. You make it sound as if sex in the bedroom is all that is missing.

    Why not bring back intimacy, romance and passion. Look at her as being the hottest girl ever seen by your eyes, develop a crush on her, follow her like a puppy dog, offer to do things for her that involve appreciating her every move. Caress her, adore her, and unlock the passion within her for you both.

    March 16, 2014 at 12:06 am

  5. Are you satisfying her needs OUTSIDE the bedroom? Helping out with your son and chores? Are you showing her romance? Men give romance to get sex. Women give sex to get romance. Its kind of cliche but there’s some truth to it. Men and women view sex differently. And if her needs aren’t being met, she won’t be thinking of yours. If you’re not already, get a baby sitter and have a regular date night. Buy her flowers for no reason. Kiss her and tell her that you love her every time you see her. And keep communicating. Marriage is about compromise. She should be willing to meet you in the middle. That means sometimes going along with it, even if she’s not in the mood. And that also means you don’t nag and pout if she really is tired.

    March 16, 2014 at 12:23 am

  6. The problem is that, at age 23, YOU still equate “sex” with “love”. You use terms like “mine [sex drive] is more than ok”, and that sex is “magnificent”, and that you think sex fills an “emotional need”. At age 23, you STILL think the love is all about sex.

    YOU are in the wrong. There can be love with NO SEX, and when there is no sex that does NOT mean that love is gone.. What YOU need to learn is that love is ALWAYS about the other person, not about yourself. If you were TRULY in love with her, you would be worried about her day, her ability to care for the child, her ability to care for your home.

    And in doing so you would probably find that what she REALLY wants from you is help doing the dishes, help doing the laundry, YOU take the kid to the zoo some Saturday while SHE sleeps in.

    And for cryin’ out loud LISTEN TO HER when all she wants to do is b!tch about how nasty her days was. Turn off the TV, shut down your computer, turn off the Xbox, and put you smartphone on SILENT. Just set and say “Yes dear” and “Uh-huh” once in a while, and let her ramble.

    Women DO NOT equate “sex” and “love”. Women see love in completely different terms. You want to show your wife you love her? YOU clean house, YOU cook dinner, YOU empty the cat box. Buy her a day at a Day Spa, and you take the kid to the zoo.

    If you want your wife to “service” you, then you must FIRST serve her. If you want her to be your sex slave, then YOU need to become her servant, willing to do ANYTHING she asks to make her life easier.

    Get you head out of your d!ck, and start be more considerate of HER wants and needs. If YOU fill all her needs, she will GLADLY fill all yours.

    PS: IF you do all this like she does, YOUR sex drive WILL be reduced, hers WILL be increased, and you may find yourself too tired to make her happy.

    Gary B
    March 16, 2014 at 1:08 am

  7. Y’all don’t need to have sex. You already have one bastard child.

    Bear's. Fresh Nuts
    March 16, 2014 at 2:07 am

  8. Life is quite a ride isn’t it ? If you have not invite Jesus Christ into your heart then ask him to calm your sex driven spirit ! Just be true to that woman and begin practicing intimacy with her. It is the little things men do that arouse their women. I am a 52 year old man that was permanently disabled back in 1985. No money means no honey for me anyway. I was 25 when this began so I know the pain of being without physical intimacy. ( Sex )

    Ken Milby
    March 16, 2014 at 2:45 am

  9. I would recommend that you two speak with a marriage counselor. Clearly she does not understand how emotional sex is for you and you may not understand her either.

    It also might help her to know that for many men sex is the primary way of bonding. Asking you to go without sex for months at a time is like giving her the verbal silent treatment for months- it’s emotionally very painful and isolating. Just because SHE feels loved without sex and just because she DOES indeed love you doesn’t mean that you are obligated to feel the same way. You might feel loved without ever hearing the words, “I love you”. She might need to hear those words every week or every day. People are different and have different needs, and that’s just fine. :)

    It might help you to know that for many women, emotional support and general health and well being are what trigger sexual desire. For instance, if you two are fighting over finances it’s perfectly normal for her to be “turned off”- even though money and sex have nothing to do with each other. If her feelings are hurt and she feels unloved or unsupported by you then her female hormones tell her not to have sex. After all, what cave woman wanted to get pregnant by a man who was about to leave her?

    So, strengthening other areas of your relationship (friendship, quality time, helping her with your son, being a good listener without giving advice, etc.) can help strengthen your sexual bond, too. Or it might not. She might be depressed, she might be experiencing hormonal problems, she might have issues with sex (maybe she feels she’s been used for sex in the past, or was raped, etc.). But it certainly can’t hurt to TRY working on your relationship as a whole. If nothing else, by responding to the areas of the relationship that she feels are unsatisfactory you may put her more in the mood to consider your requests, too. She may be, for instance, more willing to speak with a doctor about her lack of desire if she feels loved by you and feels sad that she isn’t making you happy.

    Furthermore, by being a supportive husband you may be able to help her relax. Overwhelm is a huge turn-off for most women. Dealing with a small child along with the rest of life could be exhausting her! Maybe try drawing her a bath one night and making her a nice meal. Offer her a massage. Don’t demand anything from her (a huge turn-off). Just see what happens.

    I think you two can save your relationship. You both just need to figure each other out. Below are some great books I highly recommend considering your situation. You may be even able to skip the marriage counselor if both of you read the books:

    “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman
    “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus,” by John Gray
    AFTER reading “men are from mars, women are from venus” then “Mars and Venus in the Bedroom” by John Gray.

    Best wishes on your little family! :)

    March 16, 2014 at 3:15 am

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