Critique My Writing?? Please?
Question by Coconut Icee: Critique My Writing?? Please?
“Aaela!” Damien yelled angrily “come here now!”
Aaela slowly raised from the couch and walked into his room. Damien had a small room but Aaela did as well. This was because Aaela and her family split one room into two so Aaela didn’t have to share with her older brother. She glanced at her angry brother, he was sitting in front of his iPod. Damien was lucky to have an iPod.
“Aaela” he yelled “why did you break my Apple Earphones? Do you know how much they cost?”
“Damien I know how much they cost! I am not DUMB!”
“Then why did you break them?” he asked
“I didn’t break them” She knew it was a lie but at least it would hopefully save her from a punch
“Then who did” he asked
“I don’t know!” she yelled back.
Damien pointed to the door and Aaela left. Aaela walked into her room and sat down. Her room consisted of a bed, draws and a desk. She had no iPod, laptop or phone. Damien had got one because he spent five hours everyday for two months working at Dwyers Sports store. Mum had insisted on him not spending it on rubbish but to help Mum pay off the bills but Damien is a stubborn boy and gets what he wants when he wants it. Aaela and her family live in a small wooden house in Paddington. There house had two bedrooms but now has 3, a kitchen, a lounge room and one bathroom. Aaela looked out the window and dazed off into a day dream.
“Aaela!” her mother had interrupted her day dream. “Please come here”
Aaela hopped up and walked to the lounge room where her mum was. Aaela was in good spirits until she saw Damien holding earphones.
“Sit down” she said to Aaela “Did you break Damiens earphones?”
She knew she couldnt lie to her mother.
“Yes” she said
“Why?”
“Because… Lyn wanted them but then she gave them back broken…”
“did you ask Damien?” she said
“No”
“Aaela, you know not to take things with out asking”
Aaela nodded
“Because of this incident you will have to put up with his music because you we do not have the money to pay for it”
Damn it Aaela thought. Damien had music on his iPod with swearing and inappropriate things and Aaela would rather not hear them.
“Ok” she nodded but she was depressed.
****
The next day came quickly but it occurred to Aaela that it was Monday, and Monday means school. Aaela hopped up and slipped off her Summer Pj’s and it was Summer where she lived and Summer was very hot. She slipped on her royal blue skirt and put on her white blouse. Her skirt was just below the size of “mini shorts or short shorts” and you could nearly see her underwear but she didn’t care. Everyone wore it that short anyway. Her brother wore his shorts low so you could see his underwear- it was disgusting. Aaela walked out of her room and into the kitchen. She started making honey toast when her brother came in from outside.
“What were you doing?” she asked
“none of your bees-wax” Damien replied with attitude.
Damien was in his school uniform he was wearing purple “Bonds” underwear.
“Can ya pull your pants up?” Aaela asked “its really annoying”
“Shut up” he replied “make me toast”
“NO”
“YES”
“NO make it your self!” Aaela yelled but quiet downed when her mother came into the room.
“What is all the racket?” she asked
“Aaela was going to throw the honey at me” Damien said
“Aaela?” Mum asked
Aaela left her toast in the toaster and ran. She ran to her room, grabbed her bag and ran out the door. She kept running until she got to school. Bad decision. At the front of the school were 3 girls Greta, Regina and Cady. They bullied Aaela and Aaela didnt like it.
“ooo” Cady said “she showed up”
“ya know you are a female dog” they yelled at her
“Please leave me alone” Aaela asked politely
“Did your DAD teach you that?”
Aaela hesitated Aaela never knew her dad. Her dad had left her mum when her mum found out she was pregnant for a second time. Her dad had a right to leave- they were not married.
“Please, leave me alone” Aaela said this time more aggressive.
“Do you have money?” Regina asked
“No”
“Do you have lunch”
“No”
“Shut up liar” Regina pounced at Aaela stealing her bag and throwing it in the bin “I always win”
Aaela turned and ran, she ran in the opposite direction to her home and school. Aaela didn’t know where she was running to- she just knew she had to run.
*****
Ring Ring. The telephone back at the house rung little did the ringer know that the whole family was out, Aaela and Damien at School and Rebecca (mum) was at work.
Ring Ring. Rebecca’s phone rung. She was in the middle of making a deal so she didn’t answer. She sat there for another 10 minutes before she picked up her phone and listened to the message.
If anyone wants to Edit or give me ideas for the rest of the story just say so down there as well
xoxo
What do you think? Answer below!
One Response to Critique My Writing?? Please?
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First, how old are these kids? I’d state that from the start. Also, I think there needs to be descriptions. Maybe say something like, “She brushed her fingers through her thick, long brown hair” or something.
Depending on the music, such as rap crap, I wouldn’t mind putting up with someone’s music, that’s just me.
The second paragraph, should say, “Aaela slowly rose…”
Where you said, ““Then who did” he asked”
There should be a period after “did” and inside the end quotation mark.
Example:
“Then who did,” he asked.
Where you said, “Damien had a small room but Aaela did as well. I’d rephrase that to “Damien had a small room, as did Aaela.”
Make sure you indent paragraphs and dialogue while in a document. Such as when you say, “he was sitting in front of his iPod. Damien was lucky to have an iPod. “Aaela” he yelled “why did you break my Apple Earphones? Do you know how much they cost?”. the ipod part and the “Aaela” part should be in separate paragraphs
Where you said, “draws and a desk”. I think you mean “drawers”
“Damien had got one” should say, “Damien had gotten one”
Where you said, “There house had two…” The word should be “Their” to show ownership of someone’s house.
Where you said, “Did you break Damiens earphones?” There should be an apostrophe between the N and S in Damiens to show ownership. Of Damien’s earphones.
Where you said, “She knew she couldnt lie to her mother.” should have an apostrophe between N and T in “couldnt”
Where you said ““did you ask Damien?” she said Capitalize the D in “did” and period after “said”
There’s a lot of other grammatical things like that. Too much to write in a limited amount of space on here.
Here you said, “because you we do not have the money to pay for it” You said “you and we” next to each other. You need to pick one.
Italicize Aaela’s thoughts so people know that they’re her thoughts.
For this part, “Monday means school.” Since the story’s in past tense, it should say, “Monday meant school”
If it’s summery and I assume, school’s out, why should she worry if Monday would typically be a school day? Unless it’s someplace where there is school in the summer. Usually people have summer break–no school. Unless it’s summer school where they have to go to school during the summer because they failed classes.
Where you said, “mini shorts or short shorts” Wouldn’t that be called squarts? Skirt and shorts?
Could people see her underwear because they’re thin and see-through? I wonder what kind of underwear she has that would show with those type of pants.
I think it’s funny that Damien said “none of your bees-wax” since she’s putting honey on toast
Where you said, “quiet downed” It should say “quieted down”. I think that’s what you meant.
I don’t get this: They bullied Aaela and Aaela didnt like it. Who would like someone bullying them? I’d just leave out the part where you said Aaela didn’t like it.
What does Cady mean when she said “Did your DAD teach you that?” to her? Did she mean that the female dog learned to talk? I’d be like, “Actually yeah.” Tha’ts just me, I can handle bullies.
“Her dad had a right to leave- they were not married.” I don’t think that’s ever a right to leave, but that’s just me. And if he was mad about it, he should’ve thought about it before knocking her up.
where you wrote “The telephone back at the house rung”. Rung should be rang. I like that you personified the phone since phones don’t have a brain.
There’s a few grammatical errors and whatnot, but all in all, I like the story
Phylicia
February 23, 2014 at 7:51 am